Ever wished you knew how to feel confident with women?
Maybe you feel confident with women sometimes, or on certain days, or with certain women, but other times those annoying nervous feelings or self-doubt creep to the surface. How frustrating, right?
I bet you wish you knew how to feel confident with women ALL the time so you could feel more relaxed with women and more in control of your dating success?
I used to experience that same annoyingly inconsistent confidence until I figured out a process of how to feel confident with women on a consistent basis, and I want to share with you how I did it so you can experience it too.
Feeling Confident is No Accident
The first step in consistent confidence is realising that feeling confident doesn’t happen by chance. There is always a specific sequence you go through to get there. If it doesn’t feel this way to you right now, it’s because you don’t know how it works yet, so be patient and excited because that’s coming up.
In fact, one of the first things we teach our clients in our trainings is how their psychology creates different feelings. This includes both positive and negative feelings. The problem is most people don’t realise this is happening and so they are often using their psychology against themselves instead of to help themselves. So the good news is that you aren’t ‘broken’ if you get nervous. Your psychology is working fine. It’s just that your psychology is likely using you right now, instead of you using your psychology. Understanding the process of how emotions are created is the first step to being able to learn how to feel confident with women all the time.
How Do Emotions Work?
A concept from NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) suggests that our reality or life experience is made up of our sense perceptions. The main ones being our sense of sight (visual), our sense of hearing (auditory), and our sense of touch (kinaesthetic). Kinaesthetic also extends to how we are using our physiology or physical body.
For example our body posture, whether it’s in motion or still, our breathing, how we use our voice, facial expressions etc. Visual, auditory and kinaesthetic also account for our internal experience of these senses, so the pictures or movies we make in our minds, the sounds or voices we have in our heads, and the feelings or emotions we experience internally.
Our emotions are created by using the above senses in a sequence or program. For a simplified example to help you understand how this works, for you to feel happy, you might see a good friend or someone you care about (visual), then start breathing excitedly, stand upright and start smiling and greet them happily (kinaesthetic) and then listen to them greeting us kindly in return (auditory). In fact, I bet you even followed along as you read this and feel a little happier having imagined this experience with someone you care about…am I right? If you continue to use this exact strategy the same way every time, you will always get the same result of feeling happy when you greet that person.
This works equally as powerfully in an imagined experience as you probably noticed from reading the above example. It’s the same neurology and physiology in action. Because of this, in the case of wanting to approach a woman you might like to meet, you begin to use the same neurology and physiology to create an imagined experience of how you think meeting her will play out. How this imagined experience plays out in your mind is determined by what you believe about yourself, and what you believe about the world.
For example, if you believe she will be happy to meet you, you will likely use a similar strategy to meeting the person from the example above, and feel confident, happy and even excited to meet her. However, if you believe you aren’t good enough for her, and that she won’t respond well to you, you will use your neurology and physiology in a different sequence to create a different (and likely unhelpful) feeling or emotion.
Maybe you start visualising her rejecting you or being cold or mean. Then you make a look of dread on your face and start to take shallow breaths. Your heart rate might increase and you may start to sweat as your fight or flight response kicks in. Then you might have a voice in your head start to scream at you to not do it or that it’s going to end badly. Before you know it, you’ve arrived at nervous or fearful etc. Can you see how this works?
You already have strategies/sequences/programs for your emotions that you’ve practised hundreds and thousands of times that are ready to deploy automatically. Unless you begin to pro-actively take control of them to bring out the ones you want, the way you feel will be at the effect of the environment and how people respond to you instead of it being within your control.
Taking Back Control of Your Confidence
Most men are guilty of basing their sense of self-worth on external factors such as how a woman responded to their advances. So if a woman responds well to you approaching her, you might allow yourself to feel good about yourself. If the woman responded poorly however, you might beat yourself up and tell yourself you aren’t good enough. Do you do this right now?
As long as you are looking to people’s responses for your sense of self-worth, you will feel disempowered and your emotional state will be like a leaf in the wind. Therefore, a huge part to learning how to feel confident with women is taking back control of your criteria for feeling good about yourself.
How people respond to us is ultimately out of our control, and it would be unreasonable to think any different. For example, if you approach a woman on the same day as her favourite pet passes away, regardless of how amazing a person you are or how well you approached her, she may be so stricken with grief or anger that she could respond in an unwelcoming manner. Does that mean you aren’t good enough? Or was it just out of your control?
The best way to take back control is to only assess your performance based on the things that you can control. For example, you can control:
- If you approached or not
- If you had good body language
- If you used your voice well etc…
If you did a good job of all of the things you can control, you can walk away feeling satisfied and at peace regardless of the outcome because you know you gave it your best shot. The irony is, the less you focus on how people respond to you, and the more you focus on doing a good job of the things within your control, the better people typically seem to respond to you!
Release The Pressure
There are some great ways you can release the pressure on yourself to allow you feel more confident.
1 – Let go of needing to feel good
If you stress about not feeling good, you now have two problems. “That which you resist, persists” (Unknown Author). Accept how you feel, even if it isn’t ideal (that rhymes). Then you aren’t creating any extra unnecessary stress. Focus instead on doing the right thing
2 – Give yourself some warmups
If you place too much importance on your first (or any) approach, you likely won’t do anything because you are terrified of ‘failure’. We tell our clients that “the first three approaches on any day/night don’t count”. This is because you need to switch into the social mode. Give yourself a few warmups with no pressure just to ease into your social vibe. Of course if one of your warmups goes well, then it of course counts. If none of them go well, start again with another three warmups. There is no limit to the number of attempts you have after all.
If you enjoyed this article about how to feel more confident with women, you’ll probably also enjoy this article on How to Overcome Fear of Approaching a Girl