If you’ve ever been rejected before like I have, you’ll know how much being rejected sucks.
Most of the guys I work with have a big fear of rejection when I first meet them. This often causes them to miss out on dating and relationship opportunities altogether as they try to avoid any situation where they could be rejected.
The problem with this all too common ‘solution’ to avoiding rejection is it also means they are avoiding the situations where they could be successful and meet the women they truly desire, right?
If you hate being rejected, then I’ve got some bad news for you first, and then some good news to make it all better. Now why would I want to give you bad news about rejection?
Because I would prefer to tell you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear, because that’s the only way I can really help you. Is that fair?
So first, here’s the bad news: Unfortunately, rejection is a part of life, and there is no way to completely avoid it.
There! I said it! A lot of dating coaches won’t tell you the truth about rejection because they want to try and sell you a program that ‘100% guarantees that you can avoid rejection’. Then you get a horrible shock when you find out that your magical program doesn’t deliver as promised, and can often end up feeling worse, than if you knew the truth about rejection from the beginning.
This is sounding pretty horrible so far isn’t it!? We let’s get into the good news now then!
Although there is no way to completely avoid rejection, what you can do is become much better at dealing with rejection, so it no longer has the negative effect on you, or at least its effect is drastically reduced. If you don’t learn how to deal with being rejected you’re in for a tough ride. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to handle rejection like a pro. Sound good? Read on.
The ‘R Word’
The problem with the word ‘rejection’ is it assumes that someone was not good enough for another person. It assumes that one person has the power to make the determination about the quality, value, worth or attractiveness and so on of another person.
Now, although someone can decide for any reason that they don’t like or are not attracted to another person, that decision does not alter in any way the value of the person they do not like or who they are to attracted to.
For example, if there are two coffee shops next to each other, and I choose to visit one over the other, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I rejected one of the coffee shops and that it is a lesser option. It just means I have a preference of one over the other. There could even be another person who chooses the other coffee shop and who doesn’t like the one that I prefer. Again, their choice doesn’t mean that my coffee shop is a lesser option.
This first important distinction makes you realise the difference between being rejected and someone just exercising their right to choose their preference. When someone exercises their right to inform us that we are not their preferred romantic partner, we now have a choice as to how we interpret and react to their response.
Giving Your Power Away
Who decides whether or not you were rejected? Most people have never considered this question and consequently it’s the source of so much suffering. Suffering which is actually self-inflicted. Here’s why.
When you choose one coffee shop over another, the coffee shop that wasn’t chosen doesn’t start getting emotional and blaming itself for its failure to be a good enough coffee shop. It doesn’t take it personally.
But, when a person isn’t chosen, or is declined by another, often they take it personally and interpret it as an attack, or as being told they are lacking in some way. Some people lash out verbally and even physically. Some break down in tears. Others scurry away to hide and sulk and lick their wounds. They continue to play the scenario over and over again in their minds and ask themselves how they could have done or said something different to have been accepted instead of being turned away, often beating themselves up for their failure to succeed.
In this moment, you have given away the power of determining your own self worth to another person. You have allowed their reaction to you to be the deciding factor on how you feel about yourself. It is in this process that you are actually rejecting yourself!
Take Back Control
Many people get stuck in approval-seeking behaviours. They are continuously trying to please other people and are constantly modifying their actions to try and elicit a positive response in the people they are trying to impress. Men are especially guilty of trying to impress women they are attracted to.
Not only is this behaviour fake, but it’s also most often at the expense of the person who is trying to impress. They lose their sense of who they really are as they create a fluid personality that is constantly changing to try and please others. It’s also emotionally exhausting to be constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ around people as they try to do and say everything perfectly to stay in favour with the people they are trying to impress.
Instead of giving away your sense of self approval to other people’s reactions to you, choose to take back your sense of self-approval. Give yourself permission to feel good about yourself as you are. Allow other people’s thoughts and opinions of you to be secondary to your thoughts and opinions about yourself.
In doing this, you take back control of how you feel about yourself. You release yourself from the uncertainty of other people’s reaction to you. And you can finally be free to operate in a manner in alignment with your own values and happiness.
You can then meet as many people as you like knowing that some will find you appealing and others won’t, but all the time, your self worth remains the same, regardless of the opinions of others.
Thanks for reading!
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