I get lots of overweight or ‘fat’ guys coming along to my events because they want to know how fat guys can be attractive or how fat guys can get a girlfriend.
It’s always interesting to me because, although fat or overweight men consider their weight to be the reason they are unable to attract the women they want, they actually have the same problem as a guy who believes he’s not rich enough, or not good looking enough, or not tall enough and so on has.
Why use the title ‘How fat guys can be more attractive’? Isn’t that rude/mean/politically incorrect/judgemental etc?
Before I go any further, I know I’ll probably get comments from people claiming I’m politically incorrect/offensive/judgemental/rude etc for using the title ‘how fat guys can be attractive’, and who will therefore assume those things about me before fully reading this article or fully watching the associated video above. But there is a very good reason for this! I used it because ‘how fat guys can be attractive’ was one of the top auto-complete search terms on Google (try it!), which suggests to me that lots of overweight guys must be searching for help in this area, and this should hopefully make this article and video easier for them to find.
It’ll therefore also make it easier for them to get the love, support and encouragement they deserve, which is the intention of this video, and my intention for the gentleman who asked the question at my live event where the above video was filmed. Please watch all the way to the end of the video to get the full message and hear the gentleman who asked the question say “thank you” when he could tell I genuinely wanted to help, as I want to help all men who struggle with dating, regardless of their difficulty.
Where did the ‘How fat guys can be attractive?’ question come from?
When my speaking events finish, I frequently offer to take questions from people who choose to stay behind to ask me questions. Some people scurry off but many people stay back and ask me questions or listen to other people’s questions and hear the answers. At an event in Melbourne Australia, I was asked a very sincere question by an overweight man which really struck me and made me want to do everything I could to help. This was his (paraphrased) question:
“I’m not looking for a woman my size, but to get someone who’s probably not my physicality, but still attractiveness, but this is me at the end of the day, I’m not gonna go to the gym, I’m not going to try…I feel this is me. I’ve accepted myself for who I am.”
As he asked the question, he frequently referred to the fact that he was overweight, and seemed to strongly believe that his weight and appearance were the biggest obstacle to him being attractive and finding a girlfriend.
So how can fat guys be more attractive?
Although there are women who are specifically attracted to fat or overweight men, to limit yourself to dating these women could very much narrow the chances for an overweight man to find a suitable partner, and it’s not the question I was asked by the gentleman who inspired this article. Even before addressing the cause of being fat/overweight and looking at ways to get an overweight man back to a healthy weight and physique, there are still many things fat men can do to be more attractive to women.
Things like:
- Learning how to be more confident
- Working on your communications skills
- Learning How to have good body language
- Learning how to be better at talking to women
- Learning about female psychology
- Dressing really well
- Being really well groomed
- Learning How to avoid making the common dating mistakes that most men make
And so on and so on…
However, this is never going to be as effective or long lasting as combining ALL of the above techniques with treating the true cause of the issue. In addition, treating the true cause can often auto-correct a lot of the above as well. As I said at the top of this article, the thought process to arrive at the incorrect conclusion that ‘fat guys are not attractive’ is the EXACT same thought process that a guy who believes he’s not rich enough, or not good looking enough, or not tall enough, or not the right racial background and so on goes through to arrive at their own limiting conclusions. So let’s look at how that works.
Above is a simple diagram that explains how our thoughts and our beliefs create our life experience. We actually use this same mental process when we aren’t getting the results we want in life as when we are happy with our results. What? But how could that be?
Let me explain…(we gotta get a little nerdy here so you can understand, but I promise it’s worth it so keep reading)…
Our mind has an unconscious mechanism (which means we don’t even realise we are doing it!) that always looks for evidence that our current beliefs are accurate.
The intention of this is to stop us going crazy, but it can have unintended negative consequences if we don’t know about it.
Here’s an example of it working:
An atheist and a person who believes in God both believe they are right about their belief. Because of their belief, they both look for evidence of their belief being correct, and their brains find evidence that supports their belief and makes them highly aware of it, and it hides or downplays evidence that undermines or conflicts with their belief. The result is a ‘reality’ or life-experience that fits with their expectation and their belief:
- The person who believes in God could pass a lie detector test when stating that God exists.
- The person who is an atheist could pass pass a lie detector test when stating that God does not exist.
So if both people aren’t lying, are they both right? Think of it like this:
“If you believe you can or if you believe you can’t, you’re right.”
So how does this tie in with how fat guys can be attractive to a woman for attraction and dating?
Because if we believe that:
- Women are only attracted to men who are in good shape…or…
- Women aren’t attracted to fat/overweight guys etc…
Then we will start to look for ways in which that is true when we are interacting with women.
So you might look for ways in which women seem disinterested in you or look down on you when you interact with them or when they see you. Or you will act nervous around women because you feel inferior or insecure about being overweight. Or in some cases, you won’t even interact with women AT ALL as you would believe it to be pointless because you’ve already decided that women won’t be attracted to you!
Have you done or thought any of these things before?
When we act insecure, nervous and believe we are not good enough around women, women find us less attractive REGARDLESS of the reason for us acting this way!
And if we don’t interact with women AT ALL…then of course we won’t be successful with them, right?
The above actions then lead to poor results (or zero results) and then you say to yourself: “See! I knew that I was too fat!”, and the belief gets reinforced and the problem continues.
Make sense?
From the hundreds and thousands of men I’ve interacted with over the years, regardless of what their reason they believe they can’t get the women they want is, be it:
- their weight
- their looks
- their financial situation
- their height
- their race
- their language skills
- their teeth
- their balding head
- their inexperience with women
Or any of the other multitude of reasons that guys give themselves as to why they are stuck…they all have THE SAME underlying belief about themselves, which is:
“I am not good enough as I am”.
Agreed?
It breaks my heart when I see this, because when I meet guys who struggle with this, all I see is their potential. Whether it’s one of my clients who used to be 40 kilograms heavier who is now happy, healthy and dating amazing girls they never previously thought it possible to be with, or guys who struggle with anything else.
So how do you change this?
1 – It’s often said that the ‘definition of madness’ is: to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Acknowledge that what you’ve been doing isn’t working and you need to do something differently to get a different result.
2 – Realise that you have a ‘story’ of the reasons why you are unattractive and how you are a ‘victim’ and powerless to change it that you tell yourself. Ask yourself “how many more days do I want to keep telling myself that story and clinging to those reasons?”. Are you prepared to let go of old excuses/beliefs/self-identity etc in order to get what you want out of life?
3 – Be brutally honest with yourself and accept that you are responsible for everything in your life being the way that it is. Both the positive things and the negative things. Because only when you accept that you are the cause of the problems do you get to be the solution to them as well.
4 – Allow yourself to love yourself. Start to declare that you are an attractive, healthy, athletic person, and start to look for ways in which it’s true. Start to MAKE it true, and do the things an attractive, healthy, athletic person would do until it becomes reality.
5 – Find a coach or a mentor or an accountability partner to help keep you on track.
I hope this was helpful, and if you’d like to know more, feel free to check out my book if you’d like to learn more about taking control of your mindset, and turning your life around to become the most confident and naturally attractive version of yourself. After all…isn’t it about time?
Ben Alexander