You finally got the opportunity to go on a first date with that special woman AND YOU BLEW IT!
WHAT WENT WRONG!?!?
There are actually some fundamental differences in the ways men and women approach dating, particularly first dates. Understanding these differences will help make sure you never needlessly mess up another date again!
MEN see a first date as a huge opportunity. It very well could be! If you are like most guys, it can take you a while to build up the courage to ask a woman out on a first date. And THEN there’s the question of “will she say yes?”
Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to not “screw it up”. This pressure is often the reason men make a bad impression on a first date. They are become so nervous that they can’t possibly relax. They say and do stupid things because they are so “on edge”.
These behaviours are often detected by the woman and she will feel uncomfortable with the man, essentially destroying the chance of her wanting to see him again.
WHY IS THIS?
When a man asks a woman on a first date, often he has already decided he likes a woman enough that he would want her to be his girlfriend or wife or lover if the date goes well. If a man “screws up” a date, he can actually sometimes FEEL like he’s lost a girlfriend or wife or lover, even if that outcome was not even certain to begin with!
Because a man feels like this “projected future” with the woman is on the line when he goes on a date with her, most men will go on dates and feel like their every move and every word is being judged by the woman. They will be in a high state of nervousness and tension for the whole date because they are worried that if they make a single “wrong move” or “say the wrong thing” that the woman will instantly leave, or not return their calls or messages etc.
It is as though the man is trying to demonstrate that he is worthy of the woman. A man will often “try to impress” a woman on a date. It is as though he is a salesman “selling himself” to the woman. You could call the way the man is acting above the “seller role”.
WOMEN on the other hand see first dates very differently.
Although a woman may be curious enough about a man to go on a first date with him, she sees it more like an interview. A woman will decide DURING a date if they like the man enough to want to CONTINUE seeing him for further dates, or as a boyfriend, husband or lover etc.
For a WOMAN, going on a first date with a man DOES NOT mean that she has decided that she wants to see him again.
A woman will feel MUCH LESS pressure and stress on a date because she hasn’t decided on the man yet, so she is not so worried about her own actions. She has nothing to lose. She feels like she doesn’t have the man yet, so if the date goes badly, she is in the same position. She only stands to gain.
FOR EXAMPLE:
If the guy does something she doesn’t like, she may see it as a reason not to see him again.
If she has a lot of fun with the guy and she gets a “good feeling” from spending time with him, she will naturally want to spend more time with him and see him on future occasions.
If the man is acting as “the seller”, this effectively makes the woman the decision maker. The woman becomes the person who decides whether the “merchandise” is good enough to buy. In this case, of course, the “merchandise” is the man she’s going on the date with, and “buying” means deciding to continue seeing him. You could say the woman is in the “buyer role”.
The dynamic of these two very different approaches to dating between men and women is often the reason why so many guys mess up their first dates, and often subsequent dates too if they even get that far!
HOW DOES A MAN PLAYING THE “SELLER ROLE” SCREW UP THE DATE?
For a man to play “the seller”, he actually FEEDS INTO the woman’s role of being “the buyer”. The man acting like he needs to prove his worthiness to the woman sends signals to her that she is the decision maker and that he is the one being “judged” as to whether HE is “good enough” for HER.
The more he “tries to impress” or “say/do the right thing” to show he is “good enough” for the woman, the more nervous and uncomfortable he becomes. This behaviour causes the man to say and do stupid things because he’s too concerned about the outcome of the date to make a normal, relaxed impression. This ruins the date experience for the woman, and I’m sure it can’t be much fun for the man in this situation either. Especially if he really liked the woman and he never hears from her again!
THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY IRONIC!!!
The MORE the man tries to make a good impression, the LESS of a good impression he actually makes.
WHAT IS THE SOULUTION?!
The solution is quite simple! Sort of…
SWITCH ROLES!!!
Instead of playing “the seller”, ACTUALLY BECOME THE BUYER!
The truth of the situation is that MOST women are NOT a suitable match for you. MOST of them will have things about them that will eventually annoy the heck out of you and in most cases will result in you not seeing each other anymore.
Part of the fun of dating is to find the women you have the best natural chemistry with. By ACTUALLY BEING THE BUYER, you can go on dates with women coming from the position that YOU are screening HER to see if SHE meets YOUR standards for a girlfriend, wife or lover etc.
HOW DOES THIS SOLVE THE PROBLEM?
By actually becoming the buyer, you essentially remove the VAST MAJORITY of your nervousness and un-natural behaviours from your dates.
I’m sure that around friends and family you are a normal, well-adjusted person. Most people would probably get along with you and enjoy your company. This is because when you are with them, you aren’t all worked up and nervous because you don’t feel like your every move or every word is being analysed or judged. You aren’t worried that your friends, family members or co-workers won’t want to see you anymore because you were just being yourself and not trying to impress them.
By being the buyer you aren’t so attached to the outcome of the date, and you can be your usual, relaxed self. This is what women mean when they say “BE YOURSELF”.
HOW DO I “ACTUALLY BECOME THE BUYER”
The first step is awareness.
Now you’ve read the above you can now see where you went wrong on dates in the past. This will prevent you from slipping back into the seller role as you will notice if your actions change back to your old, nervous behaviours.
SOME WAYS OF BEING THE BUYER ON A DATE INCLUDE:
- Asking the woman “qualifying questions” to see if she meets your criteria
- AT NO POINT trying to impress her or seeking approval from her.
- Being playfully teasing of her
- Not “hanging on her every word”
Now get out there and go try out your new dating toolkit!